Restraints
by Seeress
Summary: She often wondered if pacifism was just an ordeal. She knew she couldn't take it much longer. She wanted to get away from everything so badly... but how?


Restraints

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, never will, and you all know it. 

_Author's notes (more like my random babble…):_

This story is actually inspired by real events and a real person, but I decided to use Relena because I think that this really applies to her. Being a princess with all those responsibilities can probably pressure a person a lot, and I thought that this could be how she might think or feel. I am not a BIG Relena fan, but I'm also not a Relena basher. I know some of you girls out there hate her because she's after Heero (but hey, c'mon, who isn't?) and this is written more for the person who this happened to, not really too much Relena.

Anyways, enough with my babble. Read and enjoy! (Oh, and leave a review, pretty-please???)

Oh, BTW, Relena will be **very **OOC in this fic. (I like her better that way.)  

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Relena walked into her outsized room and closed the large oak door behind her with a profound click. She took off her shoes, and felt the comfortingly soft carpet underneath her feet. At a first glance, it didn't seem as if anyone had used the room for a long time. It had an old scent to it, and the soft lighting of the room from the crystalline chandelier gave it an even older impression. The walls were not wood, although the paint used was to create the illusion that that was what they were made out of. There were two large arched windows opposite the door, letting in some sunlight, but since the windows were facing north there was no time in the day in which the room received full daylight. The ceiling was made out of ceramic, while the floor was a beautiful light-green limestone. Never liking the cold floor beneath her feet, Relena had acquired an antique rug to match the atmosphere of the room and had placed it in the center of the room to help keep her feet warm. The left side of the room had a bookshelf which Relena kept her treasured books, and a desk with a small halogen lamp on it and a huge stack of paperwork. There was another desk next to the other one, this one with only a computer and phone on it. Above the desks, hung a golden-framed picture of King Peacecraft, which Relena looked at and talked to for advice and comfort. On the right side of the room, another pair of double doors led to her bedroom. She sighed softly, feeling a little relaxed back home after a very long and tiring day full of business meetings. She opened the doors, and entered her bedroom. It was just as elegant as her main room, with the same mood and appearance. In the far right hand corner of the room stood a grand four-poster bed, with a small bed stand next to it. An arched, full-length window was on the left, and next to it a shelf lined with porcelain dolls of various expressions. One looked happy, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth and her eyes filled with merriment. Another looked sad, her lips sagging and her eyes mourning a distant nothing.  Another looked angry, the other one shy, each doll had a different expression shown on its face and each one reflected a human emotion. Relena walked over to her closet, which was on the same wall as the door, and picked out some cute pink and grey pajamas then laid them on her bed. On the right wall, opposite to where her bed was, a smaller white door with a golden doorknob led to her bathroom. She quickly went in there to brush her teeth and wash her face, before quickly slipping into her pajamas and climbing into bed. 

By then the sun had almost completely disappeared, and the room was bathed in darkness after Relena turned out the lights. She pulled the covers until they were right under her chin, and felt the warmth envelope her. She was so exhausted, and she really couldn't stand it anymore. Day after day, the mindless chatter with the executives of the World Nation, keeping riots under control, watching over the Preventers to check if any rebellions broke out, no one in the world to talk to, to seek advice. Why should **she**, a 15-year-old teenager who should be out there enjoying her life, have to lead a bunch of old fools who couldn't think for themselves? Oh sure, she was rich and well-known, but she would trade fame and fortune for a normal life any day. Everyone thought she was so lucky, to have all the power and authority she did at her age, but the truth was that she couldn't care less. She'd sacrificed everything that meant something to her for the sake of peace and the people. What did those people ever give her in return? A standing ovation? What a laugh! She worked so hard and did everything to try and attain peace for a **species** that didn't even deserve it.

Pacifism.

She often wondered if pacifism was just an ordeal. She knew she couldn't take it much longer. She needed to get away from it all and leave to never come back. She didn't want this anymore; whoever signed her up for this anyway? She just wanted to be gone forever, start over as a normal girl. When every move you make is monitored and a mistake means the destruction of the world, who'd want to stay?

Pacifism.

It really did seem fake. It was just a word created by those too weak to fight. Like her. And all the others who believed in pacifism.How could she guide the world in the right direction when she wasn't even sure the direction **she** was taking was right? She wanted to get away from everything so badly… but how?

Relena slowly got out of bed, since the covers were making her too hot and she was starting to sweat. She walked to her window, and stared out at the tranquil world of night in front of her. Her room was very high up, on the eighth floor of the building, and it gave her the most breath-taking view. Good thing she wasn't afraid of heights, otherwise she'd get quite a shock from looking out her window; but the idea of heights had given her a new idea.

That's how I can get away from all this…

She touched the glass lightly with her fingertips, as if to make sure that it was really there. She wasn't a soldier, but even she could break the glass easily enough. No one would hear anything, because her bedroom was in the North Wing of the building while all the other sleeping quarters were in the South Wing. Then she'd be free, **_free_**, to do whatever she wanted and no one could stop her. Nothing to hold her down: no rules or regulations, no restraints. Nothing to keep her from what she wanted to do; nothing to keep her from a freedom as blissful as the freedom of thought. The thought raced through her head, as she grabbed the closest thing she could find (one of her porcelain dolls) and smashed the fragile glass in front of her. There was a loud shattering as broken shards of glass fell, some onto her feet, the rest falling down from her elevated window to the solid ground below. She felt slight pain as a piece of glass cut into her foot, but she didn't really care. She placed the doll on her bedside table and turned to face the splintered window. Cold night air pushed against her, blowing her hair away from her face. She was caught unaware, and the strong gust of wind left her momentarily unable to breathe. When she was able to take a deep breath of air, she stared down at the hard-packed land beneath her. Trying unsuccessfully to calm her ferociously beating heart, she wondered if she'd feel any pain before being released into paradise. She decided she had to jump out as hard and fast as she could so she wouldn't feel anything. Her breathing became more shallow and rapid, and she found herself shaking uncontrollably. Her knees started to buckle under her, and she tried her best not to fall. She put one foot out past the remains of the glass, and started to teeter dangerously. She felt tears form behind her eyelids, threatening to trickle down her cheeks. She wanted to do this, she wanted to be gone from all this. Didn't she? Yes, of course she did. Then why didn't she just jump? What was stopping her? There was nothing in her life that made it worth living, was there? Maybe just him… but he didn't want to see her. He wanted to kill her, so she'd be doing him a favour by doing this. Save him the trouble of having to bother. She thought about what would happen after she died, what people would think if her. Those girls at her school who hated her so much would probably say they knew she couldn't last, that she was too weak. Reporters would be swarming her house, and then the whole thing would just be forgotten after a time and someone else would take her place. It was perfect for everyone, so why didn't she jump? The tears leaked, and she started to cry. Choking sobs, hard choking sobs, ones she had never experienced until her father's death. She wanted this, but she couldn't bring herself to jump. She collapsed, the glass cutting her, crumpling to sit on the floor and eventually falling asleep, still half sobbing.

Relena woke to the sound of her alarm clock. She mentally cringed at herself. Waking up meant that she was still alive; that she was too weak to get herself the freedom she wanted so badly. She had no clue how she was going to cover up the broken glass and the cuts, but she knew her representatives would think of some lame excuse for her. She hated herself for being so pathetic, so feeble. She couldn't do anything for herself; she could come up with a planned speech, but she was still so powerless to everything else. Slowly, she got up turned off her alarm clock. She then headed towards her bathroom to dig out the pieces of glass still buried in her leg. She went back and plopped down onto her bed, thinking how she had to endure another long day. Maybe she couldn't save herself, but there might be the slightest hope for saving the people. Since she couldn't have freedom, she might as well make the best of her life with restraints. Soon, there was a soft tap on the door, signaling to her the maids had come to prepare her for the day. Half-heartedly, she walked over to the grand double oak doors. She took a deep breath and sighed, then turned the gold handle to open the door, facing a new day.

*END*


End file.
